Ambitions and Fears.

Right, i'd better get started on this then. And well, these things have been on my mind a bit recently.
I think, in life, that everyone needs an ambition, a goal, something to strive for. Because if you don't know where you're headed, how can you be sure you're doing the right thing?
For a long time now i've dreamt of living out in Australia again, and one day. I will be living in Australia again. Australia is an incredibly special place for me. I only lived there for 9 months, but that country shaped me like nothing else has managed to do - i don't know what i would be like if it wasn't for my time out there, and to be honest with you, i don't really want to know.
I desperately want to be a Doctor when i grow up too. It's been a driving force for some time now, as without that ambition i would never have chosen to take Triple Science and i wouldn't be taking Biology and Chemistry at A Level.
And, in order to prove myself, I will be as good as i can be at rugby. Stupidly, i've said i'll be better than Johnny Wilkinson though. My reasoning is, i'm bigger than him, i can easily be quicker than him, i will be stronger than him, and i can be fitter than him. So what's stopping me? Yeah yeah, the ability to play rugby. But i'll get to that when i do.

The other thing that has been niggling me for ages now, and i've only just realised quite how much these things truely scare me. Scare me to the core.

• Expectations
• Potential
• Failure

- I dread expectations, they are just the worst viscous cycle to get out of. For years i've been doing incredibly well in school, but recently things have dropped as i thought i realised that i was good enough and i could just relax. So people around me, friends, family, teachers all expect me to do well. If i do do well, then they simply expect it again the next time - the pressure doubles. If you do better than expected of you, then everyone expects the same of you next time - the pressure doubles again. But, if you don't quite reach expectations, disaster, you have just let down everyone around you, you've disappointed them - which i can't bear, when i let people down and disappoint them. Expectations break people.
- Potential doesn't so much as scare me, is more the story of my life. I have been told by everyone close to me, i have the potential to be amazing, i have the potential to do fabulously in my GCSE's, i have the potential to be one of the best wingers out there. No. Potential means nothing. If i have the potential to do all this, explain to me why i can't see it? And why i'm not doing it. It frustrates me so much.
- Failure. Yeah, this one is dreadful. Because in one sweeping movement, you crush everything you stand for and completely demoralise yourself, and disappoint others, pushing your morale way below possible. I fear failure, but surely i cannot fail if i have the potential to be the best?

Urgh, none of that is making any sense to you. And that all sounds like i'm so far up my own arse ... i'm sorry.
Hahaa, i'm actually a very upbeat positive guy. It's not too often i feel like crap, i try and remain happy. But yeah, this was just on my mind. And thought i should just get it off my chest.

If you're lucky, i might write something happy some day!